I have a couple of friends who at some point discovered they could find four leaf clovers all the time… practically every day. And one stroke of luck was all it took to keep their eyes to the ground, gathering more “luck” with each passing day. One friend even joked that she had to train herself to look UP because she was running into trees.
I NEVER think to look for four leaf clovers.
I have another friend who finds single playing cards, which is the strangest thing – but I’ve been with him when it happened, and he’s got an ever-growing collection. So. Weird.
Even my spouse experiences a phenomenon that sometimes freaks me out: he runs into someone he knows everywhere he goes. And I’m not talking about bumping into the neighbors at tar-jay. I am saying that the guy RUNS INTO SOMEONE HE KNOWS EVERYWHERE HE GOES. He told me about this phenomenon when we were first dating, and I’ve personally witnessed it dozens of times now, but never as acutely as the time we were backpacking through France. Exhausted from a day of hiking in the Alps (I sound so exotic, n’est-ce pas?) we ducked into a very inauspicious bar for a drink…and there stood THE GIRL who had tried mightily to get his attention while we were dating. And there I was, on his arm, even after graduation, across the ocean. (Bam! And creepy!)
I am not claiming that God is playing 52 card pick up with one friend, while scattering extra four leaf clovers in the yards of others, and I don’t really think God planned the random encounter with the
stalky girl in France.
But I do believe that when we begin to keep our eyes open for specific “signs,” be it plant, playing card, or person, our eyes open wider and we start to take note when these occurrences become re-occurrences.
That is what is happening with this little blog. I am not blessed with the synesthesia that enables certain people to be more prone to finding four leaf clovers, and I’m WAY too clumsy to manage walking while scanning the ground for pennies or playing cards…but somehow this little act of typing out our story is connecting people to answers that have eluded them for months, or even years.
I am taking note of the opportunities that arise to share what we’ve learned – and this IS the part that I name “holy” – because while we have endured a really crappy streak of bad health partnered with bad timing, I know was born to talk and to teach…and maybe this is how the “hard” we’ve experienced will be redeemed. My collection of conditions is rare enough that I have to do a lot of my own legwork…but not so rare that there are not desperate people googling for stories and information that gives them the power and relief of connecting really scattered dots.
Our story is flying across oceans and I know that it’s not me. I post so irregularly because I AM struggling, and that’s the dance of talking about your journey while still on the road. My CVID is misbehaving because our insurance dropped my providers and I have not had infusions since January 1st. (More on that later.) The stupid “jelly legs“ have returned, and every time I’m in a crowd I’m down for days. Praying that tomorrow’s appointment brings answers and restored energy from infusions made possible by generous angels who donate their plasma.
I can’t believe how daunting those first months of treatment were, now several years into it…because now I know how crucial they are to my doing things like walking and cooking and washing my hair and not having to be horizontal after being in a crowd.
And…as a recovering perfectionist, I keep waiting to feel all better to write and update and post. It’s still a hurdle for me to realize that life is good when I’m not, that I don’t have to be
100% (who am I kidding) 64% better to do the writing that is helping others realize that there are answers to questions that have, for years, felt like riddles. So I will keep trying to show up…and trust that these words land where they need to.
“When I let go of having it perfect, I learned the joy of sharing
life with the imperfect.” – Kara Tippets, The Hardest Peace.
It’s Ash Wednesday…and Valentine’s Day…and my little brother’s birthday.
So much love.